Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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