it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
