i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
They took my balls.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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