I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
