I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
We're too hungover to prance.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
there is puke in my bra ... again
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
