The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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