Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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