Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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