I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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