Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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