The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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