I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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