Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
