She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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