the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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