My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Randomize
