this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize