I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
