Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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