My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize