Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
