yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
