I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I'm lost and stupid without you.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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