Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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