do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
You did what with his pubic hair?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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