jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
