Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
