Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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