I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
