So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
