She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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