then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
We were destined to go to rehab together
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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