At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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