I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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