it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
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