you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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