the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
My liver just had a heart attack.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
