Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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