it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
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