I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Randomize
