My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
