im drinking this country out of the recession.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize