Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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