I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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