She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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