Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
