Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
