i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
