my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
