i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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