Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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