What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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