I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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