Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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