apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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