youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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