So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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