meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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