She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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