watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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